Casual cannibalism
I’ve come to the conclusion that vegans must know something I don’t.
Vegans are made of meat,
vegans are not delicious,
vegans are not even edible.
There must be a step I’m missing somewhere.
Don’t trust vegans.
- J
Some ways last Friday resembled being in the Matrix
I received a phone call from a stranger who then drove me off into the unknown.
I was offered a red pill and a blue pill. I chose the red pill.
I was baffled by banks of complex machinery.
I was then hooked up to banks of complex machinery.
I woke up the next morning with a bunch of wires attached to my face and chest.
I left with my sense of the real somewhat altered.
- M
Pass the wine
Is your glass half full or half empty?
Personally I’ve never believed in that idiotic half-baked (or half-drunk) theory of optimism and pessimism. Reality is reality, all that differs is the person who perceives it; and regardless of who that person is, they are generally wrong.
I believe that the world consists of two groups; realists and idealists. Those who see the world as it is and those who see it as they personally want to see it.
Does saying this make me a pessimist?
- J
Monday Morning
Today I woke up at 5.17am. Drops of water were falling directly on my face. I was confused and disoriented because it was 5.17am. Not yet able to reason, I simply rolled over to avoid the drops. My cheek landed in a puddle of wetness on the pillow. And on the opposite cheek, another drop hit - hard. Like an unusually malicious obese kid but made from water. Refusing to get out of bed before my alarm went off (at 6am, which is still ungodly early) I rolled away further and tried to ignore the incessant plop-plop behind my head.
I didn’t fall asleep again. My alarm went off. I debated whether or not to actually get up and go to varsity. After 23 minutes of intense indecision I got up. This turned out to be a bad call - it was storming outside. The rain was belting down, diagonally. My fuzzy morning brain now managed to relate the dripping on my face to the deluge outside the window. I looked up. Yes, the ceiling was leaking. Right onto the corner of my bed where my face had been.
I refused to let this bad start get me down. I walked the 10 minutes to the bus stop. Because it was raining diagonally, my umbrella was virtually useless - I could keep my head dry but the rest of me was drenched. My bag had become a portable pond in which all my notes were innocently floating.
I made it to the bus stop. Because I had spent 23 minutes deliberating whether or not to get up, I was late and had missed the early bus. So I had to wait another 20 minutes in the rain for the late bus. Technically I should have been shielded from the rain because I was sitting under the bus stop shelter, but the Einstein who designed it had left massive gaps on each of the 3 covered sides for the wind and rain to get in. Which would still be OK for normal rain, but it was diagonal rain, so it just sailed merrily under the shelter. Slowly, cracks appeared in my optimistic smile.
Then I began to sneeze. No, no no no. Nonono. A sudden attack of hayfever had me sneezing all over the group of wet students crammed miserably together under the tiny, ineffective shelter. They glared at me. I sneezed on them. Fluids ran with glee from my nose and eyes. My face looked like an intensely emotional episode of Oprah. I endured for an infininty. The bus turned the corner. Finally. I got on.
The final straw happened after I found seat. I was cold and wet and judged but at least I was out of the rain now. The hayfever had lessened somewhat. Things were looking up. Then this ugly girl plants down on the seat next to me. I forgave her for being ugly - I must look a mess right now too. We empathized. But just then, in that very moment of glowong altruism, my besieged nasal passage was assaulted by her deodorant. You know the kind: that heavy, sickly-sweet stuff that spreads out over an entire room. The kind that makes you choke. The kind that I am violently allergic to. I sneezed my lungs out. The taps in my fluid glands reopened, set for maximum output. All those judging eyes swiveled back onto me. That’s it. Optimism: destroyed.
Did life have mercy and cut me a break? Surely this is the turning point, where the happy ending makes its appearance. Right? Wrong. The traffic was crazy and the bus arrived on campus late. My condition worsened on the trip. I fell asleep during lectures. I lost my capacity to do good.
Life: 1000. Me: 0.
Fuck you life.
- M
After her tit fell off
He blinked, then he looked at her.
“Maybe we could put your tit back on?”
It lay quivering slightly on the floor.
“Hmm. No, I don’t think we can.”
-M
The Temptations of Cheese
If we were made out of cheese, would it be suicide to eat yourself ? I don’t think so. And would it be murder to eat your neighbour? Nah. Survival of the mature-est (see what I did there? Ok it was pretty cheesy). Bet that grated.
Ah, sometimes I even make myself lol. But sometimes I don’t, especially when I have to operate zips. Seriously, guys, if you just happen to be commando and need to take a leak be very, very careful when you operate that zip. I can not stres this point enough. The least fun times in life happen right here between metal tangs and that which should never be in between them.
Oh and seeing as we’re on the topic, it’s always the g-string that breaks first.
- M
i forgot a title so this is an edit :)
joke of the year: two elephants fall off a cliff. boom, boom.
you didn’t lol? ok, i dare you to read this joke after 2am. it is hilarious. it is possibly the funniest arrangement of letters known to man. for real.
damn, where are my socks? great got them. they are on my feet now.
just had a bit of my body waxed. was a major disappointment. no pain at all. i was expecting to scream like a little girl. with a cock in her nose. seriously. but - nothing. lame. this was probs the only time i have ever welcomed, nay wanted, pain.
oh well. tomorrow night i will be handcuffed to a blind date for an entire evening of drinking and eating and etc. taking a leak is going to be very interesting.
will provide feedback. till then amigos.
- m
